balance

+ this is the paper i need to write in order to graduate. at least, to graduate now. i have had no intention of not writing this paper, but my assumption that i would end up writing it has led me to believe, seemingly, that it will happen. well, no. i have to write it, probably to finish it within several days. i realised in the fall that this was my last paper. 'hey, then i'm done!' and so it was: i was done. now i have this paper to write, even though i'm done. it never, ever, got easier.

+ i've been reading over the previous years, and no, upper division courses were not my wall. nothing at SFU has been a wall. what i've learned this year is that when i meet the wall, i can apply myself and do very well. this is the first year when i have had to work hard to get by, but i have worked hard, and i have done very well. this has instilled in me no small amount of optimism. i'd forgotten about the wall, in fact; i don't feel as though i'm holding myself back anymore. then again, who will i be when i don't have this paper to finish anymore?

+ recent books:

• lots of canadian politics. right side up, by paul wells; iron man, by lawrence martin; and juggernaut, by susan delacourt. i read these over the break, when i was not writing my paper. i read right side up in port alberni.
  
• kennedy and nixon, about kennedy and nixon. soon i'm going to read all the president's men
  
• fever, by sharon butala. of course it was good.
  
• some lousy old science fiction books. always good. i am still 2/3 through my future cops anthology.
  
• at the moment, lord jim, by joseph conrad.
  

+ i've stopped writing about records. the new goldfrapp record is really affecting me, and i've listened to it a lot. it's restored my faith in records, kinda. i've finally tracked down copies of the last two pursuit of happiness albums - these would definitely have changed my life in grade 12. now they just make me happy. it's because there is love in my heart. i'm trying hard to put songs that i listen to in playlists for posterity. sometimes i can remember, sometimes i can't. spring '03 was a big deal, because i can remember everything that i was listening to at the time.

+ jan was away for a week at disneyland over news year's. rather than write my paper, i read books and fucked about. jan's brother was staying downstairs, but we didn't really interact at all. i went to bed early, then listened to records, read books, and drank scotch for hours.

+ before that, jan went to port alberni alone and i went across three days later. two days? i was the last person on the horseshoe bay bus, and stood at the front as we went across the lions gate bridge. the bus broke down at park royal, so we all got on to another one. on the way back, we were the second-to-last car on the ferry. it was an old ferry, with a picture of the queen at the front.